I was out with a bunch of my friends in Chicago having a great time enjoying the weekend. It was still very early, but all of us were already hammered out of our minds. We were talking to a bunch of girls and after some meaningless chit-chat I wound up going back with one of them. The moment we got into her room we ferociously ripped off our clothes and pounced on each other. While I was “giving her the business” she told me to stop because she thought she heard something. The noise was coming from downstairs and it sounded like someone was walking around inside her apartment.

The girl had a frightened look on her face and she started swearing, “Shit, Shit, Shit!” informing me that her boyfriend must be home. She quickly threw on some clothes and instructed me to be quiet and not to leave her room. She went downstairs to confront her boyfriend and through the floor boards I could hear the two of them arguing back and forth. As I mentioned earlier, me and my friends had been drinking A LOT and I wound up passing out in her bed while she was downstairs fighting with her boyfriend. When I woke up I realized that I had pissed myself. My pants were soaking wet and her entire room reeked of urine. I didn’t know what to do so I took off my pants and grabbed a quilt that I found lying next to her bed. I made sure I still had my keys and wallet and swiftly snuck out the back door of the apartment.

I was roaming around the city wearing some strange looking quilt trying to get a hold of one of my friends. After about 45 minutes of non-stop calling, one of my friends finally answered. He came and picked me up laughing as rolled up seeing me standing on the sidewalk pants-less with a strange quilt wrapped around my body. I filled him in on my crazy night and we both laughed at the fact that I left my piss pants rolled in a ball in the middle of the girl’s room as a souvenir.

It was Spring Break and I was down at Panama City Beach with a bunch of my college buddies. We were all getting hammered at the bars when one of the guys threw out the idea of hitting up a strip club. Being that our group consisted of 8 guys we didn’t really need much convincing and immediately hopped on the strip club bandwagon. I mean who doesn’t love girls prancing around stage taking off their clothes.

At the strip club we all sat around the main stage and ordered shots and drinks while gawking and making crude comments at all the girls undressing before us. After the one stripper’s set was over she strolled over to one of my friends, wiped the drool from his face, and asked if he wanted a private dance. Meanwhile, the song “Gold Digger” came on, (how ironic for a stripper song) and out came this beautiful brunette playfully flirting with the crowd showing us her sexiest moves both on the floor and the dance pole. While crawling on all fours she glanced over at me and seductively blew me a kiss. Her gaze pulled me in like a giant tractor beam. I was mesmerized by this dancer and completely forgot that she was only toying with me in hopes of extracting as much money as possible from my wallet.

I drunkenly got out of my chair and hopped up on stage to dance with my naked beauty. I started grinding up on the stripper and even took a couple spins around the pole until I heard a couple of men shouting and suddenly I felt a pair of giant hands on my back ripping me off of the stage. Before I knew it I was being carried towards the exit by two bouncers who if painted green could have passed for cousins of the Incredible Hulk. Of course not one of my friends came to my rescue as they just stayed put laughing their asses off.

It was still early in the night and all my friends were still inside so I couldn’t just call it a night. I decided to go up to one of the Hulk-like bouncers and offered him $50 to let me back inside. To my surprise this actually worked and he let me back in the club. When I got back to where everyone was sitting my friends started hooting and hollering proclaiming me as the strip club king. In return for making all my friends laugh harder than they have before they made sure I didn’t have to pay for a single drink for the rest of the night. Well I must have I drank too much because the next thing I remember is being carried out by the same two bouncers who showed me the exit earlier in the night. I guess I fell asleep in my chair and was once again being kicked out. Needless to say, I won’t be going back to that strip club anytime soon.

I was at a bar in Wrigleyville for the majority of the night. Last call came, and everyone began to make their way towards the exit. As I was leaving the bar I got punched in the back of the shoulder. I quickly spun around and saw that it was my sister’s boyfriend bearing a huge grin. We talked and joked around for a bit and then decided to head over to an afterhours bar down the street which was open until 5am.

As we grabbed a drink up at the bar I noticed that my best friend happened to be at the same bar and was across the room talking to some random hot chick. My sister’s boyfriend asked me why I wasn’t the one talking to that smoking hot chick, knowing very well that I could never back down from a challenge. I told him to watch and learn as I got up and approached the gorgeous prize. When my buddy saw me he went to shake my hand and strike up conversation but I didn’t waste any time. I started right into my act telling him that his wife has been calling me all night long and is pissed that he hasn’t been answering his phone. The girl first looked at me puzzled and then glanced down at my buddy’s hand. She was quick to notice and point out that he was not wearing a wedding ring.

Well, I couldn’t let my cock-blocking lie end there so I said to my buddy, “Wow that’s so shady dude, you’re not even wearing your wedding ring.” My friend was in shock but he knew my act had worked to perfection so he flicked me off and walked away. I started working my game and talking to this girl hoping to capitalize on my effort for the night. After an hour or so I saw my friend, whom I screwed over earlier approaching us. I knew this wasn’t going to be good for me. He directed his attention to the girl and said, “It looks like you and my friend have really been hitting it off. Oh by the way did he tell you that he has AIDS.” My jaw dropped. At least my lie was creative but this line was straight to the point and a guaranteed black card of death. But wait my friend didn’t stop there, he proceeded to point directly at me while screaming, “This kid has AIDS” for the entire bar to hear.

Every single person stopped what they were doing and stared at my friend then directed their attention towards me in disgust. My friend wouldn’t stop; he continued to scream, “He has AIDS,” like some stupid broken toy stuck on repeat. I guess I deserved it so I quietly walked back over to the bar to grab another drink glad to get the attention off of me. As the bar was closing I saw my friend talking to this foreign girl and I heard him ask for her number. I immediately went up to her and said, “I wouldn’t give this guy your number he’s super racist and might be planning on doing something really bad to you.” I then promptly walked to the door and exited the bar smiling the entire way knowing I was the on who got the final laugh

I was bored of going out to the same bars all the time so I decided to go visit a couple of my buddies at Illinois State University for the weekend. After some beer pong and other drinking games we decided to get ready and hit up the bars downtown. We were all partying and having a good time but for some reason my buddies wanted to go back early. I wanted to stay out longer and one of my friends who was also visiting for the weekend said that he would stay out with me.

After the bars finally closed we went outside and realized that we had no idea how to get back to our buddy’s place. We tried calling our friends but no one answered, so me being me, I began walking down the street lying to my friend telling him that I knew where I was going. Well with no cabs in sight and less and less people around the further we got away from the bars I decided it may be time to ask someone for directions. I saw a car stopped at a red light and asked him if he knew how to get to my buddy’s place. He said he knew exactly where it was and that he would give us a lift.

My mother always told me not to take rides from strangers but I was drunk and lost so I jumped in and told my buddy to get in too. On the way back to our buddy’s place my friend wound up passing out in the backseat of this guy’s car. The driver noticed and said that my friend looked so cute sleeping like a little baby. I figured he was just joking around and didn’t think much of his comment at the time. After a long time of driving I began to spot signs for the interstate heading north. I asked him if he knew where we are going and he said that we were headed home. I told this creepy dude to stop the car and he responded by telling me how good looking my friend and I were and that we should go to his apartment and party with him. I finally realized that this dude was trying to come on to us and I began yelling at him demanding him to turn the car around. He suddenly became very nervous and turned the car around and dropped us off at some random corner apologizing as we exited his car. We were now more lost than before.

I looked around and saw a burrito place a block down so I figured we might as well get something to eat while we tried to figure out how to get back to my buddy’s place. In the burrito place it just so happened that my sister was at one of the tables scarfing down some nachos with one of her friends. What are the odds that my sister would be in that random Mexican place at four in the morning. Why had I not thought about calling her in the first place? So I learned an important lesson that night. If I’m ever lost and unsure of what to do, always look for a burrito place because there is a good chance my sister may be inside with a plate of nachos. Oh yeah, and not to take rides from strangers.

It was Spring Break and I was down at Panama City Beach having a blast with my sorority sisters. I love spring break because it gives you an excuse to go wild and crazy and forget about everything back home. We were lying out on the beach watching all the hot guys walk by, did I mention that I love spring break! We were looking good in our skimpy bathing suits and decided to venture over to one of the bars on the beach. A lot of my girls met random guys and disappeared one by one from the bar. Meanwhile I was spending the majority of my time hitting on the DJ. He told me that he was having a party after he got off and that I should come.

I stayed around and had a couple more drinks waiting for him to get off. When he finally came over to get me he was with a couple other people and said he didn’t think everyone would fit into his small convertible. I drunkenly volunteered to ride in the trunk without even thinking about it. I hopped in and they slammed the door shut. They drove back to his place while I was scrunched up in this tiny pitch black trunk. Looking back on it now, I could have been rapped or murdered but I didn’t think about that because the only thing I was focused on was the hot DJ. Sometimes we do the dumbest things when we’re trying to impress a boy.

A couple buddies and I headed off to east coast for a weekend to do some site seeing. We were hungry and since we were in Boston we decided to get some clam chowder and lobster. The classy restaurant we wandered into happened to be one of America’s oldest restaurants and a national historic landmark. Even though this was a fine establishment, we were shocked to find out they had never heard of surf and turf. My buddy has his heart set on this so he ordered a filet with his lobster. A $40 side dish? Why not we were on vacation. While we were eating one of my friends and I made a little wager to take part after we were finished eating. We paid our bill and made our way downstairs towards the front door. When we got near the entrance I was couldn’t help but stare at the live lobster tank as the waiter was pulling out the customers’ selected lobsters putting them on the scale. Before anyone realized what was going on, I dunked my entire head into the lobster tank. Everyone stared at me in awe. I’m sure no one ever expected to see a man with his face totally submerged in a lobster tank blowing bubbles “talking” to the lobsters. When I hoisted my head out of the lobster tank I expected the place to be loud and crazy, but instead everyone just stared at me in horror. Finally, someone broke the silence by shouting, “That guy just stuck his head in the lobster tank!” I threw up my arms in triumph of my latest accomplishment and headed straight for the exit. That was the best $60 I ever made.

It’s Friday around 6:00 pm and I’m out for a $10 all you can drink happy hour in the Lincoln Park area. My friends and I are pounding drinks as fast as we can to ensure that we get the most for our money. I start talking to this random chick and she asks if I want to take some shots. I tell her that I’m not buying her shots and she responds by saying that she will pay for them. So of course I agree, who would turn down free shots? We are up by the bar and she proceeds to order 6 shots of Jameson.

I ask who else is taking shots with us and she says that all 6 are for us; 3 for her and 3 for me. I feel fine after the first shot; after the second one I get that burning sensation in my stomach and watery feeling in my mouth. As I begin to lift the third shot I immediately turn my head projectile vomiting all over the bar floor. Instead of being repulsed by this reaction this random girl grabs my head and starts to make out with me. She then asks if I want to get out of there and go somewhere else to “hang out.” We catch a cab and direct him back to my buddy’s place.

After a couple minutes of driving our cab driver pulls over at a gas station stating that he needs to use the washroom and assures me that the clock is not running. As he gets out of the drivers seat I look over and see that the random chick is passed out next to me. I think to myself “what am I doing with this girl” and right then and there I make the executive decision to ditch the cab. Well I was unable to open the back seat door.

Keep in mind I am drunk and by drunk I mean hammered beyond belief. I get the bright idea to climb through the small opening in the divider of the cab and squeeze into the front seat of the cab. I try the front door and find that I’m not able to open that door either. I then roll down the window and try to hop out of the cab. As this is happening, the cab driver is coming out of the gas station and realizes what is going on. I hear him start to yell and I quickly make my way out of the driver’s side window. I start to run down the street yelling “I don’t even know her,” as I hail another cab back to my buddy’s place.

I’m at my buddy’s place telling everyone this story and we all laugh about what a ridiculous night it was. As I’m finishing up my story the door opens and my buddy walks in with a random girl that he is trying to seal the deal with. Well, my jaw suddenly drops as I can not believe who my buddy just brought in as his girl of the night.

Yep, you guessed it! It was the exact same chick I ditched in the cab earlier that night. She comes up to me and asks what happened to me in the cab. I close my eyes and embrace for a punch straight to the face and simply reply “I’m sorry.” Well her next reaction caught me off guard as she began to make out with me and asked if we can go into one of the bedrooms. I decided this wasn’t the classiest girl and told her that she needed to leave. My buddy gave a cab $40 and told him to take her wherever she wanted to go.

The music was blasting and the drinks were flowing at rehab, the biggest pool party in Vegas. I was sipping on Red Bull vodkas and taking tequila shots with all my boys. As the day went on, I found myself dancing poolside and having a crazy time. I’ve never seen so many beautiful girls all in one place. After awhile of partying this fine little thing approached me and said in the hottest British accent, “I think you’re sexy.” We started dancing and flirting; meanwhile I noticed some guy was watching us the entire time. The guy began to creep me out and I asked the girl if she knew the man who was staring at us. She replied, “of course I do, that’s my husband.”

What! Her husband. Then why the hell was she dancing with me. She responded that her husband loves to watch her with other men and proceeded to start making out with me. At first I wasn’t sure what to do, but I decided to roll with it. She then told me that her husband loves to watch EVERYTHING. “Everything?” I said with a puzzled look. She said, “Yes everything, lets get a cab back to our hotel just the three of us.” I hesitated at first but then decided to go back with the married couple; I couldn't say no to that sexy British accent. The next thing I remembered was waking up alone in a random hotel room. Oh no, what happened? I checked my pockets and I had my wallet, phone, and all my cash so I wasn't robbed. I figured it was time to go back to my hotel and meet up with my friends. I guess I'll never know exactly what happened that day after I left Rehab.

I was working at a gas station down at college to make some extra cash to blow on beer. At the end of my shift one day, I saw this guy in scrubs talking to one of the overnight employees. I started to walk back to my car and noticed that the guy in scrubs was following me. He approached me and demanded that I give him a ride. Since I saw him talking to one of the overnight employees earlier I assumed they were friends and he was so assertive that I decided not question him and told him to hop in. Before he jumped in my car I had to get my hubcap out of the passenger seat. I had a habit of hitting curbs when I was hung over, so for awhile I had one of my hubcaps seat-belted next to me.

So while I was driving him “someplace,” he started to tell me about all the acid, coke, crack and meth he has used in his day. He also kept making promises that he was not going to hurt me. I asked him if we were going to pick up drugs thinking “what did I get myself into.” He assured me we weren't, and then asked me to pull over and to turn off my headlights. We were at our destination which he said was his little brother's place. He ran up to the house, peeked in the windows and started banging on the front door. He continued to bang on the door but no one was answering. I started to think about driving away and leaving this guy behind; but before I could make my move the guy was already back in the passenger seat of my car.

He barked out new directions that had me driving to the polar opposite side of town. While still reassuring me that he was not going to hurt me he guided me into a complex riddled with speed bumps. He told me this is where the “brothas” hang out in this town. He hopped out of the car and started harassing some shady looking dudes who were sitting on the stoop outside an old run down house. I suddenly saw him turn and point at me while talking to these guys and that’s when I made my decision. I slammed on the gas speeding away like a bat out of hell. I flew over the speed bumps going what felt like 100 mph (was probably about 40 mph) as I see checked my rear view mirror to see a bunch of guys screaming and chasing after my car.

From this day on I made a promise to myself never again will I willingly drive a stranger.